Love Shop’s 5 Not-So-Frequently Asked Questions
Love Shop staff members encounter an interesting and sometimes challenging set of rules regarding customer interaction. At my previous department store job, I’d never hear the question “what does this thing do that I can’t?” or “can I try this in the back?” If I did, they probably weren’t referring to an arm-sized dildo. Despite the daily plethora of witty comments all retail workers know and love to hate, these questions require us to consult our inner pseudo-sex-therapists.
As a Love Shop staff member eager to help, answering these questions has taught me about alternative lifestyles, kinks, and sexual wellness, safety, power dynamics, and has introduced me to couples, throuples, poly folks and the vibrant LGBTQIA+ culture in which I now live and thrive.
It's important for our customers to know, that no matter how outlandish their questions may seem, their curiosity lays the foundation for us to learn and grow as sex toy experts. Silly and serious questions about sex and masturbation are par for the course and are what makes life as a Love Shop employee so damn fun! Plus, I wouldn’t have a stockpile of amusing answers to showcase for you in this nice, neat little list of some of our most commonly encountered questions.
"Can I put this in my bum?"
A lot of toys have the benefit of versatility, meaning the same vibrator used to stroke your G or P-spot can stimulate your clit or glans. If you’re on a budget or just living a minimalist lifestyle, a multi-purpose toy can take the place of several items, freeing space in your drawers, bags, boxes, or sex dungeons. However, not all toys are suitable for anal insertion.
Small toys such as the LOE Ginko or the Petites Lil Torch stimulator may look fun to hoop but could get lost due to their shapes. Anal toys should have a pronounced hilt or curve like the Cheeky Rump Thumper or the Anchor by Sweetcheeks to prevent the toy from getting lodged where the sun doesn’t shine and requiring medical intervention. So, save yourself having to tell the doctor that you slipped and fell on a sex toy and only use anal stimulators designed for your safety.
"Will a penis pump increase my size permanently?"
The blunt answer is no. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill, pump or stretching device that will inflate your willy more than what nature intended. There are proponents who claim that a consistent pumping routine or jelqing* may have the same effect on your penis over time as lifting weights has on your muscles by opening blood vessels and allowing spongy penile tissues more room to grow while erect. However, even with a religious regimen, the results are rarely gag-worthy. Short of surgery, there is no way to increase penis size permanently.
But don’t let this truth stop you from enjoying the sensation of a penis pump. There are enhancing benefits and pleasure to be had in watching your Johnson grow and swell inside a well-placed tube. Some with erectile dysfunction say penis pumps have helped keep their sex-lives charged and others simply enjoy the look and feel of a freshly pumped rod. We say get your pump on, but don’t let cheesy porn site advertisements skew your expectations of penis enlargement.
Take a load off with a selection of automatic penis pumps and discover the sensations your hand can’t deliver.
"Won’t this toy make my partner stop wanting me?"
We get it. Walking into a sex shop is a big step for many people. It’s intimidating and overwhelming, especially with thousands of options and little knowledge of where to begin. Shoppers trying to spice up the marriage might resent the motorized phalluses and vibrating clit-lickers and think, “what does this do for my partner that I can’t?”
I have burst many a bubble with the answer to this question: the little electric mechanism coated in silicone has superpowers. No, not literally. But does anyone’s tongue have the flicking stamina to bring even the most desensitized person to orgasm in seconds? Can you gyrate with the strength of a minor earthquake? You’re probably thinking you couldn’t possibly do those things, and that’s alright! Humans are beautiful, desirous love machines, but we can’t piston back and forth for hours or make ourselves vibrate, and that’s why we should welcome sex toys into our relationships.
It isn’t about your incapability in the bedroom; it’s about what you’re willing to do to take your pleasure to the next level. Imagine the missionary position with a vibrating wand pressed between your groins, infusing penetration with seismic waves of bliss, or perhaps role-reversing with the help of a strap-on. Sex toys weren’t made to replace you. In fact, sharing them with your partner is half the fun! So, pop in a butt plug, charge up your clit stimulators, lube those dongs and put a little pizzazz in your sexy time!
"How can I squirt?"
It always makes me sad to see the disappointment when I deliver the bad news, though it needs to be said: not every vagina-owner is a squirter. People have argued that I’m not doing it right, that you must stimulate the G-spot in a certain way, but I will put my foot down for all non-squirters and say it’s not always possible.
I know, I know... Porn has made hopeful fools out of us and led us to believe that with a little elbow grease, anyone in possession of a pussy can release streams of clear liquid in several glorious spurts. Although hot in concept, what you’re seeing on the screen is most likely a mixture of a little body fluid and a lot of urine. “But GG! Urine is yellow and those girls squirt clear liquid,” you might say. The trick is to stay well-hydrated. Please don’t hate me. I’m only lifting the cover of the porn industry’s many production secrets so you can stay well-informed.
Here’s the good news: squirting orgasms are possible! Although this statement directly contradicts what I just told you, a wise and revered Canadian writer named Sue Johanson once said (and I will paraphrase) that if you feel the pressure to pee during sexual stimulation or intercourse, put down a towel and let it flow. Our reproductive anatomy responds to stimulation in a myriad of ways, including the unmistakable urge to let loose all of our fluids. A particularly powerful orgasm can help eject built-up vaginal discharge from arousal and, yes, even some urine.
"Is it normal to masturbate multiple times a day?"
Excuse our bias, but we here at Love Shop assure all of our chronic-wankers and bean-flicking enthusiasts that their pastime of choice is normal and physically and mentally beneficial. Whether you crank down once a day, once a week, or every damn time you can get your pants around your ankles for five uninterrupted minutes, it’s all good!
We release feel-good hormones when we masturbate. It’s a natural mood booster, feels great, helps us get in tune with our bodies and teaches us what we do and don’t like. Figuring out what brings us pleasure opens us up to healthier and more gratifying relationships. We can arm our sexual partners with the right tools to make us cum every time.
Masturbation is the gift that keeps on giving, and as long as you’re not missing obligations or letting it have a negative impact on your life, we say keep on stroking.